Clay — طين
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I am not okay,
And as much as I wanted you to stay, I wouldn’t have said it, I wouldn’t have asked.
I am not okay,
It’s not one thing,
It’s all the times in aggregate.
I couldn’t begin to ponder nor articulate,
Just lost in the chaos of decisions and thoughts.
And I asked, how long can a person remain in such a state?
It’s nothing but my own echo coming to answer back.
I am not okay,
And here is what I wrote months ago, here is where I used to stand:
“Fazed I wondered:
I always thought we love in the same way,
But I vividly see you, and to you, I’m gone even before we walk apart.
But hey,
Somethings are only meant to be spontaneous, let alone love, let alone asking for something to last.
I am not okay,
I am no longer certain of what to think, or to what claim.
This life seems like the most chaotic sculpture, that I don’t how to mold, nor understand.
It‘s taking me too long to clean off the clay. Thinking I can actually make it some sort of a never-land.
I am not okay,
And It’s not “yourself comes first” per se, it’s the collateral mess you cause and create,
Carelessly ignoring whom you may disadvantage or let down.
I don’t have more pieces of my trust to break,
The fact that we claim everything as gray, defying the existence of any black and white.
I am not okay,
it’s everything I downplayed,
Only choosing to tolerate, Only worrying about words that I can’t take back.
But I hope Time makes hurt smaller,
and some become less important,
and heartache too becomes a past.
I am not okay, ”
I am still not okay,
But let me show you where I currently think I am:
Every mistake is always a non-absolute verdict, but not on the nature of the act.
Maybe I am hurt
But maybe only you didn’t understand.
Maybe it’s on us rather than just you,
Okay okay, maybe we are really just humans..in the very literal sense of that.
Black and white to me are always included, but here is the trick:
A heart should never play a judge in any of that.
For so long, I wished for a manual Cz I was no near, nor I am, of figuring it out.
For so long This writing stayed inside of me.
Words wouldn’t come out,
Maybe they were ought not to.
Maybe it wasn’t their truth,
And For what? to lose their meaning claiming what’s not worth it….. to only be “known facts”?
It would have distorted me.
I am grateful.
…
Maybe it’s just about taking life day by day,
Maybe it’s just…well, not just maybe..
it’s as simple and difficult as answering the question of:
“how’s your heart and where is it at?”
Afterword
Title’s Brief:
The word “طين” is a great reflection and metaphorical image to describe this piece’s core and its message. To me, It also holds a special connection as we ourselves were created from clay:
(الَّذِي أَحْسَنَ كُلَّ شَيْءٍ خَلَقَهُ وَبَدَأَ خَلْقَ الْإِنْسَانِ مِنْ طِينٍ ) — السجدة (٨)
reflecting on this while writing, made me wonder whether this is one of the explanations of our ever-changing, complex, extraordinary nature.
April 2021.
